I have often been accused of self-indulgence, namely of acting like a know-it-all and being arrogant about my intelligence. And in many cases, those criticisms are valid. I try to be modest and reserved for the most part, but I know I can try too hard to be the smart one in any given clique (not to mention online, especially Facebook).
What most people don’t know is that I only act that way to shore up my self-esteem. My mind is all I have. I’m not good looking, fit, or particularly talented. Indeed, at best, I’d be lucky to be baseline competent at even the most basic tasks. And when you wrap mediocre package up with anxiety, OCD, and depression, you can see I don’t have much going for me.
And honestly, that’s okay, because I’ve come to terms with these things for the most part. But that’s why I try to harness my intelligence. Reading, retaining information, and writing are all I’m good at, and even then, I frankly don’t think I’m exceptionally intelligent (and no, I’m not saying that to fish for compliments to the contrary).
In a weird way, I wish some people knew my true motives and realized I’m not trying to act better than them. Indeed, it’s because I think I’m not better than most people that I act this way. But it’s best I keep such realities a secret. People seem to prefer an arrogant smart alec to a depressed person.
For the record, I’m not really sad or anything right now. I’m just reflecting.
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